Ask Madge: “My Date Doesn’t Want to Settle Down, Should I Sleep with Him Anyway?”

Dear Madge,

I am a 23 years old woman and I’m currently seeing someone. We met through the internet, I know to some people it sounds unbelievable to meet someone from there but to be honest we are connected to internet almost 24/7 it shouldn’t come as a surprise. Anyway, I’ve been single for 2 years before I met him. We first talked on the messaging app before we decided to meet.

The first date, went amazing. We had lunch and everything. Second date, we decided to go work on our own stuff together (me on my finals since I’m in grad school and him on his work). After a month and a half, we had our third date, and went back to his place to watch some movies.

I need to note this that he’s very open minded about sex. I’d like to think that I am. I’m a virgin, but my stance is that I’m not going to plan on when to lose my virginity. I’m going give it to someone that I care and love deeply at the right time, whether it’s before or after marriage.

We got into a heavy make out session. He knows where I stand on having sexual intercourse and we cuddled afterwards. When we were cuddling, there’s a lot of things going on in my mind. I’m a very emotional person and I’m easily attached emotionally. And I kept thinking I couldn’t do it although I want to because I can’t go through a heartbreak as he already stated that he’s not settling down kind of guy. I don’t need to settle down fast but I just need some assurance that he’s at least serious with me. I’m deeply confused with my current state right now. Help me shed some light.

Very confused,


Dear RA,

It’s perfectly normal to be confused about what you want when it comes to the first time. It probably means you are not ready. The most important thing is that the sex is consensual and that you feel good about it, instead of guilty or anxious or regretful.

You said yourself that although you don’t need to settle down now, you just need some assurance that he’s serious with you. The fact that he tells you upfront that he doesn’t see himself settling down is a more than just a hint that he doesn’t see your relationship being that serious, at least for now. But feelings change; people change.

So, the way I see it, you have two options: either continue seeing him to see where you are going and decide later whether or not you want to have sex with him; or be realistic and not have an expectation of him at all. The latter will give you more freedom to end your relationship with him or to continue with the knowledge that he wouldn’t settle down with you, even if you do decide to have sex with him later on. That last option, however, is easier said than done. When it comes to sex, emotion often clouds our judgment.

I would highly recommend that you give it a few more dates to see how you really feel about him and how he really feels about you. You’re at a very early stage of a relationship. I think you need to get to know each other more (than just online) to be able to gauge your real feelings for each other. After seeing him more, perhaps you even decide that he’s not for you. The sex can wait, believe me. You have your whole life ahead to have a lot of good sex. So when you do it for the first time, you want to make sure that you feel good about it.

Good luck!


Got a burning question about something? Send it to (in English or Indonesian) with the subject “Ask Madge” or tweet your question to @the_magdalene.

(This article was originally published in Magdalene on September 8, 2016. We republish it here as part of our collaboration with other media who share our vision of raising the voices of Asian women.)


Based in Jakarta, Indonesia, Magdalene is an online publication that offers fresh perspectives beyond the typical gender and cultural confines. Magdalene channels the voices of feminists, pluralists and progressives, or just those who are not afraid to be different, regardless of their genders, colors, or sexual preferences.

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